Maje's Musings

2012-02-10T13:22:00.007-06:00

Happy Birthday Nida Baby - Wow - 17!

My little baby sister is apparently not so little anymore. She is 17 now! I cannot believe it. She is the baby of the house and now she is all grown up. She reminds me a lot of myself and I think she is more similar to me than anyone else.

I know she is going to make one hell of a woman someday and I cannot wait to see the path she forges in life. Oh to be young again! ;o)

So here is my advice to her -

This is really the beginning of your life. The next ten or so years of your life are critical and will probably shape your entire future. They will also probably be the most difficult years of your life as you try to carve your niche in this world. Work hard because really that will set you apart from the crowd. Make many friends and don't be stuck in the past - in past relationships that may bog you down mentally. You are never going to be this young again and you will be talking about this period of your life for the rest of your life.

If you feel like your emotions are a tumultuous mess, then know that everyone who lived through their late teens and early twenties went through the same thing.

Family - For the first time in your life, you may be away from family. This may possibly also be the last few months you spend at home. Ever. Remember that I left home when I was 17 too. It can be scary and difficult but what is life if it is easy? More than ever, you will realize when you are away from family that no one in the whole wide world is more important or can love you as much as family. I always wish I can turn back time to those last few months at home. I would have been kinder to ma and pa and probably gone easy on Nicky.

Money - If you are broke, know that you had two sisters before you who went through the same thing before they started making money of their own. But since you are the youngest, if I were you I would simply call up one of your sisters when you need anything :o)

Men - leaving home will also open up the world of men to you. This can be exciting but always be wary and careful. Choose wisely and don't be afraid to walk away from anyone that is less than perfect for you. The world is so so big and you are going to meet so many different men. So take your time. I did and I think I found the best man ever in the whole wide world for me.

Mistakes - You will make mistakes but make sure you don't make the same mistake twice. Never give in to peer pressure unless it is something YOU want to do. And again remember - there is no mistake that you are going to make that Nicky and I have not made. So you are lucky that you have not one, but two people who have been through this before.

DREAM BIG. LAUGH A LOT.

Life only gets better from here.

I know you feel like you are all grown up now, but you will always be our baby, our chottu. Hugs and kisses, your didima.

2012-02-01T20:37:00.004-06:00

Life is short...

I probably have said this a few times on this blog before but I say it again. Life is short, there is no time for regrets and there is no time for what ifs.

Do what you always wanted to do. As I grow older, I care less and less about what people may think about my ideas, actions etc.

Life is beautiful and life is short. If you are unhappy or not satisfied with your life, do something to change it.

1 year today since Baba passed away. I miss him so much.

Also, I read this beautiful poem today -

THE SUN NEVER SAYS

Even
After
All this time
The sun never says to the earth,

"You owe Me."

Look
What happens
With a love like that-

It lights the whole world.

~Hafiz

2012-01-27T13:59:00.002-06:00

Happy New Year!

Well,hello there. Happy New Year everyone! I know I have been MIA for a long time. I have a few resolutions for this year.

- Post more on here! Yes, really I will
- Make people a priority
- Work on my fitness
- Be more financially responsible

That's about it!

2011-06-04T11:31:00.001-05:00

Only once in your life...

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
— Bob Marley

2011-05-07T22:54:00.000-05:00

Art and Love...

"There was this skinny kid with these eyebrows shouting up at me, "Diego, I want to show you my paintings!" But, of course, she made me come down to her, and I did, and I've never stopped looking. But I want to speak about Frida not as her husband, but as an artist. I admire her. Her work is acid and tender... hard as steel... and fine as a butterfly's wing. Loveable as a smile... cruel as... the bitterness of life. I don't believe... that ever before has a women put such agonized poetry on canvas."

-Diego Rivera

2011-03-18T09:54:00.000-05:00

My life right now...

Work, Eat, Run, Sleep - repeat

2011-02-01T14:05:00.007-06:00

Baba (1928 - 2011)

I called my grandpa "baba". He died today. I cannot believe it.

Baba was a great man. I am writing this post so I never forget his greatness and never forget my roots. Baba's mother died when he was two. His dad remarried and had other kids. When baba was twelve, his father passed away too. He was left with his step mother and half siblings. He quit school at a young age in order to support the family as a street hawker of seasonal fruits and general merchandise. Money was still short, so baba worked other odd jobs - an assistant to an electric fitter, in a noodle factory making noodles. He was still unable to earn enough money so his step mother kicked him out of the house to fend for himself.

He went to live with his mother's sisters but they were so poor that they could not keep him. Baba learnt to make "beedis" (thin native cigarettes that are rolled tightly by hand). Later, he went to work as an apprentice in a tailor's shop. While working at the tailor's shop, he met a doctor gentlemen who also was a private turor for students. The tailor guy asked the doctor to tutor my grandpa. The doctor guy agreed reluctantly as baba could not afford to pay him and took baba home with him.

The doctor taught his students the language of Urdu, baba was very good at it. So the doctor guy struck a deal with baba. He told my grandpa if he would tutor the other students in Urdu, he would teach my grandpa english. The doctor taught my grandpa elementary math and english. During this time, baba slept in the mosque at nights and studied during the day at the doctor's house. He also acted as their "servant", massaging their head and legs and other household jobs. He did this in exchange for food and the tutoring he got.

After about six months, the doctor told baba that he had taught him everything he could at home - reading and writing basic English, and simple math like addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. He advised baba to go and get admitted into a regular school. Baba took the test and was admitted into the eighth standard. Baba worked hard and came first in his class.

Baba continued his studies - eating at a aunt's place and sleeping on the street. He did his school work under the street lights. One day, a man saw him studying on the street and invited baba to come and study inside his house. This man was a doctor as well. Baba then started tutoring children in his free time on a regular basis (these children are now well placed - civil engineer, army captain etc.) He worked as a night clerk at the post office (from 8 p.m. to 2 a.m.) The post office was six miles away. He walked back and forth. Later, he became an Urdu-English translator for a local newspaper. Despite all of this, he performed very well in school.

After high school, baba got admission into Madras Medical College. He was no longer able to take on part-time work to support himself as he, so he paid his way through medical school by taking loans and scholarships from different people and institutions. He spent about half his life repaying these loans.

Baba graduated medical school and started his residency and never needed to rely on anyone again.

I am in total awe whenever I think of his life story. Everything I complain about seems trivial compared to his hardships. I was his favorite grandchild, that's what I have been told and it makes me feel very special.

When I think back on my time with baba, I remember certain distinct memories -

The day he took me to an internet cafe to explain to me what email was all about and helped me open my first email account.

The days when I used to be so excited to go with him to his shareholder meetings so he would give me the little presents (usually office supplies) that he got at the end of the meetings.

The days we would disagree and his silent sternness.

The hot days when we would walk down the street to get fresh sugar cane juice.

The days when he would demand that my grandma make my favorite foods.

The days when he would spend hours explaining the stock market to clueless me.

The days when we would discuss politics and the day he was so excited about Barack Obama that he gave me newspaper clippings of all the articles he read.

The days when I walked into his room and he would be doing head stands and explaining the benefits of yoga to me.

The day when I saw him after two years when he had grown so frail and weak.

My wedding day - one of the last times I saw him. When I went to him right after the vows, he was silently crying with happiness.

The last time I saw him, when I hugged him and kissed his cheeks and hands with a strong hunch that I will probably never see him again.

I remember how technically savvy he was for a "grandfather". He emailed, skyped, chatted, followed his stocks online.

I still remember his smell. I remember how his eyes lit up when he smiled and laughed.

Right now, the pain of losing him is raw and intense. Someday it will pass and when I think of him I won't feel an empty pit in my stomach and chest. Someday the thought of him will remind me of hot summer days, sugarcane juice, endless chatter and his lovely smile.

Miss you already baba. You are a legend.

2010-07-12T12:30:00.008-05:00

Life: 2010...

So some of you may remember my World cup soccer 2006 post, but most of you probably don't, if you are interested it is the July 9th, 2006 post and can be found in the archives. I don't know how to put a link here.

Yesterday afternoon, I watched the world cup finals with Marga in Houston at Bdubs. Spain vs Netherlands. I was rooting for Netherlands, Spain won. I figured it will be fitting to do a post now. I am 26 now. Working in Boston. Close to finishing my master's degree and thinking of going back to school again after that. I am back to being a good student. I think I am not as dramatic now as I was at 22. I am more practical and I know what matters most in life - family and friends. Money, work and career are secondary. A lot has changed through the years.

I know who I will be friends with for life and I know who are just acquaintances or passing friends. I call home much more often now and feel closer to my parents and sisters than I have ever before. I have learned that as long as you are hard working, you can get just about anything done even if you think you lack the smarts. What I want most now is a home with Yemi, a place where the both of us can live with no distance between us. Maybe by the next world cup, we will be together in the same city and same house.

When the next world cup comes around, I will probably be in Boston or Chicago. I will be married and hopefully Yemi and I will be planning to start a family. My little sister will be in college, but she will still be my baby. Nicky will probably be married too and maybe living closer to me. Hopefully, I will get to see my parents at least once a year. Maybe I will be back in school. I may have a new job.

In 2014, I will be 30. For 2014, I wish for a home with my love. I wish I am still alive because there is a lot to live for. I wish my friends and my family success and happiness. Most of all I wish, wherever we all are, we are content.

2010-06-09T18:14:00.004-05:00

Yes, I am still alive...

Updates!

1) I'm engaged to the love of my life! Yes, I also have a beautiful bling!
2) I went to Europe for the first time last month
3) I love running
4) I miss my friends
5) I am making new friends
6) I hate flying
7) JT's sexy back is my fave song to run to.. go figure
8) I am busy, busy, busy
9) This was a great year so far
10)Currently reading - The Double Bind by Chris Bohjalian
11) Trying hard to make my hair grow
12) Trying to ignore the faint lines on my face that will be future wrinkles
13) Enjoying the simple things in life like -
- natural rosewater body wash
- my little sansa clip
- reading gossip magazines in the loo
- the smell of jasmine in the air when I pass that one house on the way to work
14) La, la la

2010-01-07T14:57:00.002-06:00

Song on my mind...

Homecoming - Kanye West

Yeah.
And you say Chi city,
Chi city, Chi city

I'm coming home again.
Do you think about me now and then?
Do you think about me now and then?
Cause I'm coming home again
Coming home again.

I met this girl when I was three years old
And what I loved most she had so much soul
She said, excuse me little homie, I know you don't know me- but,
My name is Wendy and, I like to blow trees and,
From that point I never blow her off,
Niggas come from outta town I like to show her off,
They like to act tough, she like to tell em off,
And make em straighten up there act, cause she know they soft
And when I grew up she showed me how to go downtown
And at nighttime my face lit up so astounding
And I told her in my heart is where she always be
She never mess with entertainers cause they always leave
She said it felt like they walked and drove on me
Knew I was gang affiliated got on TV and told on me
I guess it's why last winter she got so cold on me
She said, Ye keep making that, keep making that platinum and gold for me

But if you really care for her, then you wouldn't n-never hit the airport,
To follow your dream, sometimes I still talk to her, but when I talk to her
It always seems like she talking 'bout me,
She said you left your kids and they just like you
They wanna rap and make soul beats just like you,
But they just not you and I just got through
Talking bout what niggas trying to do, just not new
Now everybody got the game figured out all wrong
I guess you never know what you got till its gone
I guess this is why I'm here and I cant come back home
And guess when I heard that when I was back home
Every interview I'm representing you making you proud
Reach for the stars so if you fall you land on a cloud
Jump in the crowd, spark your lighters, wave em around,
And if you don't know by now, I'm talking about Chi Town,

Do you think about me now and then?
Do you think about me now and then?
Cause I'm coming home again
Coming home again
Maybe, do you remember when fireworks at lake Michigan
Oh, now I'm coming home again
Coming home again
Maybe, do you remember when fireworks at lake Michigan
Oh, now I'm coming home again
Maybe we can start again

Loyee oyeee oh, loyee oyeee oh
Coming home again

Loyee oyeee oh, loyee oyeee oh
Coming home again

Maybe we can start again

2009-12-30T08:40:00.002-06:00

2009..

What a year!

It was a whirlwind and went by so damn fast.

Not too much to complain about and a lot of things to be thankful for.

I wonder what life will be like in 2010.

2009-10-31T22:45:00.003-05:00

Climbing wet mountains...

Well, hello there! I know, it's been a long long time. I am not going to attempt to fill you in on the details of the past few months. It would just be too much to type.

Today I climbed Mt. Monadnock in New Hampshire with a friend. I have to say it was one of the most exhilarating things I have done. It was a little rainy and wet and slippery so it was extra challenging. Going uphill was fine, I was certainly getting my cardio for the day. Downhill was just plain scary. One time I slipped and went rolling down and thought my skull was going to get crushed on one of the rocks but I managed to break the fall with my arm. Then about two more times I slipped on the slippery rocks and landed on my bum. I'd take landing on my bum than landing on my head.

At one point the downhill climb was so slippery that I felt like I was on survival mode. The mountain I think would be an easy enough climb for someone who is moderately fit on a normal day. But with the muck and the slippery rocks, it was insane. I was so focused on not slipping and breaking something that I was actually thinking of nothing else but making it back down. Usually I have about five different things I am thinking about the same time.

I finally made it down in one piece. I just felt like teh air up in the mountain had somehow cleansed my system. I felt refreshed and invigorated. My quads hurt now though and my bum is a little sore from the falls. But it was all worth it. I would like to climb that mountain on a dry sunny day though.

2009-08-28T20:26:00.002-05:00

An August Post...

How lucky am I?

I came home today (a Friday) from work after a crazy busy day at 8:30 p.m. and my bed was made and all my laundry done and folded and put away and my room was just in this perfect state to relax. Nicky had done all this while I was at work. Don't know what I am going to do when she leaves. It will take a while to get used to not having her around. I don't even want to think of her leaving because it makes me feel too too sad.

The time just flew by with her here. It was fun and I feel like we are all caught up now. Now I need some alone quality time with my little sister Nida. She is this little feisty thing! Sigh.

Work is okay. And I am not as bitchy anymore. Boston ain't so bad and I like Cambridge. I am ready for the fall.

Classes start soon. Hopefully that will keep me busy and occupied.

2009-07-24T18:45:00.003-05:00

Ups and downs...

Life is strange. It is full of ups and downs. Listening to November Rain by Guns N' Roses now. What a great song - it always moves me when I listen to it after a long time. In the past few weeks, I have been to Chicago and NYC with Nicky. It was fun. I got some news from my doctor today. Don't know what to make of it. Everything seems so surreal. Wow, this song is really good.

In other news, I really hate Boston. The summer is fucking fake. It is constantly raining, dark and dreary, with a few days of sun thrown in here and there. The people for the most part are cold frigid bitches. But hey, I am stuck here for a while because I am going to apply for my green card and I can't really leave this city for the next five years. Unless I take some big risks.

I am ready for a change. Change in every way. Two years here seems like more than enough.

A girl can dream.

2009-06-17T14:24:00.002-05:00

Good stuff...

My sister Nicky is here! Yay! So good to see her and hang out with her and just talk endlessly. I am having fun introducing her to American stuff. She is amazed at peoples' appetites here and of course the portion sizes. She seems to like it here and she hasn't even seen Chicago yet.

In other news, I passed the RAC exam! Yay! That was a huge relief because I spent a lot of time studying for it. I scored pretty well too.

I need to find the battery charger for my camera so Nicky can take some pictures. Yesterday she went hiking in the Blue Mountains with Johannah and today she is exploring Harvard square. I wish Nida was here too, that would have been so much fun.

Chottu, if you're reading this, we miss you and love you!!! Muahs!

2009-05-05T10:16:00.004-05:00

6 places I have lived..

1) Melaka, Malaysia
2) Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
3) Chennai, India
4) Chicago-IL, USA
5) Woburn-MA, USA
6) Cambridge-MA, USA

6 places I would like to live..

1) Lagos, Nigeria
2) Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
3) London, United Kingdom
4) Rome, Italy
5) New York City, New York
6) Hong Kong, China

12 places I would like to visit..

1) Lima, Peru
2) Amsterdam, Netherlands
3) Prague, Czech Republic
4) Cairo, Egypt
5) Athens, Greece
6) Sydney, Australia
7) Suva, Fiji
8) Paris, France
9) Beunos Aires, Argentina
10) Madrid, Spain
11) New Delhi, India
12) Goa, India

2009-05-04T20:50:00.002-05:00

Bleh...

Life is kinda bleh right now. I am studying for this exam at the end of this month, and I am pretty sure I am going to fuck it up. This is what happens to overly ambitious people. I turned 25 last month. Seems like the years have gone by so fast. I started this blog a month before I turned twenty. I guess in some ways life got better and in some ways it has gone downhill. Yeah, I am in a real shitty mood right now. I don't even know if I am sad or angry or what. I am just bleh. And I don't even know why. Oh well.

I am going to try to post more often.

2009-02-07T22:30:00.003-06:00

21 more things...

1) I am a romantic, I might come off as tough but inside I am just a pile of mush.

2) Lately, random things make my chest hurt, mostly in a good excessive emotion kinda way - like babies and very old couples and the sound from acoustic guitars and the thought of a white beach and black starry nights.

3) I would do anything, absolutely anything to make my sisters happy, I think of them constantly and my biggest regret will always be not being around to watch my little sister grow up.

4) I would give anything to take my words back that seem to have cracked a friendship so much that even after forgiveness, we cannot seal the crack, it hurts when I think of it. I miss her.

5) I have realized in the past few months that Yemi is my soul mate, and my best friend - always and forever and that I will never really figure out what it is that binds us so close.

6) I have friends with whom I don't talk for months and months and when we do talk, it's like nothing changed and I am so grateful for that.

7) If I were to live my life again- knowing what I know now - I would live my teenage years very differently; however, I do believe that much of who I am now was shaped by those years.

8) As I grow older, I find myself becoming less of a bitch - it feels nice but almost feels like I am so much more vulnerable.

9) I am terrified of outliving my loved ones - it is my biggest fear. I always wish that I be the first one to go, so I would never have to experience that loss and pain.

10) I loved running to the lake by myself and sitting at the edge of that pier- I felt so small in the universe, like my issues and my problems were nothing compared to the magnificent world.

11) I always wish Margarita lived closer, in an ideal world; I would see her and hang out with her everyday. I seriously believe that one day we will live that close and that when we are old and gray we will sit on a porch and laugh and cry about our experiences together. She is like the older sister I never had.

12) I love my parents and many times I wish I had been a better daughter to them in the past. I believe my mom is the strongest and most patient woman I know.

13) I can't wait to have Yemi's babies.

14) I find that I am more hard working now than I ever was in my life, I wish I had been like this in college.

15) I constantly and obsessively think about what my future will be like.

16) I am fiercely loyal.

17) I wish I can sit some stranger down and tell him or her every single detail of my life, everything that has happened to me and then I wish I could tell them goodbye and never see him or her again. It would feel like a lot will be lifted off my chest.

18) I cry. Sometimes because I feel so happy, sometimes because I am so sad and sometimes because I feel so lucky.

19) I really do think I am lucky. I really do think there is someone up there who has my back.

20) I am really emotional right now and don't even know why.

21) Life is good, I really can't complain :o)

2009-01-24T22:20:00.000-06:00

I miss...

...my yum, my friends, my family, my yum. Sigh, life sucks right now.

2009-01-23T23:55:00.001-06:00

I'm searching...

..for a song that was in my head all day with my boo.

2008-12-31T17:00:00.003-06:00

2008...

Lessons learned

1) Life is short
2) Living alone is a better option even if it more $$
3) Think twice before cutting hair short - easy to cut, hard to grow
4) Forgiving is hard, forgetting is impossible
5) Everybody deserves another chance
6) Don't cheat
7) Don't lie, the truth always comes out
8) Treat those you love with love
9) Cut out television, it takes away valuable time
10) Get to work before your boss and leave after your boss
11) Don't base your actions on what others think is right or best for you
12) Always remove make up before bed, no matter how tired
13) When you are feeling whiny or bitchy, listen to Randy Pausch's 'Last Lecture'
14) You are your own best friend
15) Trust your gut
16) If you think somebody is lying, they probably are
17) Sisters are the best
18) People don't really change
19) Travel
20) Don't take the Fung Wah bus to NYC
21) Sometimes you can get very very luck
22) There is a God
23) There is such a thing as quarterly life crisis
24) There is always someone with more problems than you
25) Get rid of clutter
26) The mind is stronger than everything
27) Self control does not come easy
28) Older people are wiser
29) Your parents do know better than you
30) Chicago is still the best city in the world
31) An intelligent mind is sexy
32) I am not invincible
33) Cry once in a while, it helps
34) Take pills on time
35) Check for cavities
36) Get physicals
37) Sleep a lot
38) Hard work pays off, sorta
39) Yes, we can!
40) Save
41) Eat vegetables
42) Take vitamins
43) Hug, love and smile :o)

2008-11-04T14:47:00.002-06:00

Invincibility, election day, India trip...

Yes, it has been a very long time since I posted. Life has been so busy.

First - invincibility. As I grow older, I feel my feelings of invincibility are dissipating. I remember being in my late teens and even a couple of years back and feeling like I could get through anything, that I was so strong mentally and physically that no one and nothing could break me. As time passes, I don't feel that invincible anymore. I am not implying that I am weaker mentally or physically but I am now more aware of my vulnerability and faults than I was ever before. In short, I am getting "soft". In some ways it is scary but in many ways it feels like I have finally grown up. I recently told my aunt about this feeling and she said that it is a sign of growing up, when you recognize that you really are not as invincible and strong as you used to think you are. It is she said, a sign of maturity to recognize your own flaws and submit to humility by realizing that everything and everyone is delicate and can break. In regards to this, recognizing that I too can break and that I too can be sensitive and soft and sometimes so dependent on people around me is humanizing on so many different levels. But maybe, this is because in some ways my life is coming together, slowly but surely and my guards are down. Sometimes I am not so sure it is a good thing but most of the time I feel content with being a little soft, a little more trusting and little more nice. In short, I am just not the bitch I used to be ;o)

Election day- This is going to be a historic day and if Obama wins it will be great to live in the US - it will truly be a statement of how far America has come. It makes me very emotional although I can't vote to realize that the lines of race can be deep but sometimes deep not in a bad way but a good way - I think it is just the principle of it, the fairness of it, that if he wins, everything is not prejudiced and as cliche as this might sound- there's hope :o)

India trip - yes, yes yes! I am on my way to see my momma! Right now at JFK waiting for flight to Brussels and then to good ol' Chennai. One flight down, two more long ones to go! It's been almost three years since I saw my family. This will be a good month. Adios for now!

2008-08-07T22:17:00.008-05:00

A Central Square update...

I live in Central Square in Cambridge now. I absolutely love it. Central Square is located between Kendall Square and Harvard Square, so between Harvard and MIT. My room is small but cozy. Central Square has everything I would ever need within a few minutes walking distance. It is so alive and busy even late at night, just the way I like it. There are a lot of locally owned independent shops. There are many restaurants with every cuisine possible, there are many used book stores which I love and many unique furniture stores and coffee shops too. There is a CVS, a Walgreens and a Bank of America very close too. I feel less tired now and actually enjoy waking up in the morning and going to work, thanks to a 12 minute commute by train or a 20-25 minute walk.

Some places I have visited in Central Square so far:

The Tavern in the square

A sports bar. Mediocre food -- a little pricey, slow service, nice laid back ambiance, good music alternating with a couple of crappy songs.

Link: http://www.taverninthesquare.com/

Hollywood Express

Independent Video store. Excellent collection, has movies sorted by directors in a section of the store which I like and an extensive foreign movies section. There is a Blockbuster down the street too but I am a member at Hollywood Express because it doesn't seem as cold and chain-ish. Rented two movies- Mississippi Masala and The Virgin Suicides

--Mississippi Masala - Denzel Washington is super cute. The Indian chick is hot too. The Indians in the movie are fun too watch. A good movie which kinda hits home.

--The Virgin Suicides - Haven't watched it yet. I have been wanting to read the book for a while but I guess I'll watch the movie first this time.

Link: http://www.hollywoodexpressvideo.com/

1369 Coffee House

I had a Thai Iced Tea from here. It was pretty good. No free Wi-fi though, and $3.95 per hour if you want to pay for internet. A nice cozy coffee shop.

Link: http://www.1369coffeehouse.com/

That's all for now :o)

2008-07-26T21:36:00.004-05:00

Inspiration...

Listening to Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture" changed the way I look at life, obstacles, dreams and success..

Quotes from Randy's Last Lecture

We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.

Have something to bring to the table, because that will make you more welcome.

I probably got more from that dream and not accomplishing it than I got from any of the ones that I did accomplish.

When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody’s bothering to tell you anymore, that’s a very bad place to be. Your critics are your ones telling you they still love you and care.

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough.

It’s very important to know when you’re in a pissing match. And it’s very important to get out of it as quickly as possible.

You just have to decide if you’re a Tigger or an Eeyore.

Loyalty is a two way street.

Syl said, it took me a long time but I’ve finally figured it out. When it comes to men that are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do. It’s that simple. It’s that easy.

You can’t get there alone. People have to help you and I do believe in karma. I believe in paybacks. You get people to help you by telling the truth. Being earnest.

Apologise when you screw up and focus on other people, not on yourself.

Don’t bail. The best of the gold’s at the bottom of barrels of crap.

Be good at something, it makes you valuable.

Find the best in everybody. Just keep waiting no matter how long it takes. No one is all evil. Everybody has a good side, just keep waiting, it will come out.

Be prepared. Luck is truly where preparation meets opportunity.

It’s not about how to achieve your dreams. It’s about how to lead your life. If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you.
RIP Randy
and Thank You.

2008-07-09T21:27:00.005-05:00

25 updates/thoughts...

1) My comfort music is Eminem
2) I am moving August 1st to Central Square in Cambridge
3) I miss my parents and my sisters so much
4) Four more months till I see them again
5) And I miss Yemi so much too
6) I am tired of missing people
7) Everyone goes away
8) I don't want to get too attached to anyone again
9) I want to go back to being a carefree little kid again
10) I want to be strong again physically and mentally
11) I want to be completely healthy again
12) I don't want to live in fear
13) I don't want to think what if
14) It is humid in Boston
15) Dreaming of Mahjong nights and Coldplay nights
16) Second chances
17) College friends
18) New friends
19) Losing the cold edge
20) Giving in
21) Giving up
22) Being vulnerable
23) Royksopp's Tristesse Global
24) Acceptance
25) It's been exactly a year since I left Chicago

2008-06-28T23:17:00.003-05:00

I hate Robert Mugabe...

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/africa/article4232169.ece

2008-06-03T18:54:00.002-05:00

Soul mate...

I read this in a book titled "Eat, Pray and Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert and it makes SO much sense. Everything makes so much sense --

He probably was (your soul mate). Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with your soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over. Your soul mate's purpose was to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heat open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life.

2008-06-02T18:01:00.004-05:00

Upcoming trips...

June 6th to June 8th - New York City
July 2nd to July 7th - Chicago
July 11th to July 13th - New York City
July 17th to July 20th- Dallas
November 26th to December 11th - India
TBD - Lafayette
TBD - Washington, D.C.
TBD - New Jersey

2008-06-01T13:43:00.000-05:00

I need...

..strength and patience.

2008-05-27T20:37:00.000-05:00

Coldplay -- Till Kingdom Come

Steal my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time
My time has come
Let me in
Unlock the door
I never felt this way before

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know which way I’ve come

Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I’ve waited all these years

For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn’t change a single thing
And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know what I’ve become

For you I’d wait 'til kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

2008-05-15T23:16:00.001-05:00

Love...

...it takes me by surprise everyday.

2008-05-10T22:46:00.002-05:00

Apartment hunting...

So I am finally going to get a place of my own. I am moving out of my aunt's place in August or September. Rent is so steep in Boston. If I find a studio for around 900 dollars, I will be lucky. It feels good to know that soon I will have a home of my own. Some permanence for a while will be nice. Life is good. Can't complain. I miss my friends who are now spread out all over the world.I wish I could hang out with them after a long day of work. Sigh.

2008-04-29T21:40:00.000-05:00

My dreams...

...are coming true. Slowly, stumbling :o)

2008-04-03T22:46:00.001-05:00

24...

Realization.

2008-02-23T20:25:00.002-06:00

Update...

1) 2008 - very important year for me.
2) My 24th birthday is coming up soon and I really don't feel 24.
3) Never thought I'd say this but I sometimes miss my days at IIT.
4) I miss school. Although I was not great at it, I hope I get to do my masters sometime soon.
5) I told my family about Yemi! Yes, it is out in the open now :o)
6) Lesley is moving to San Francisco soon.
7) I am trying to grow my hair, I miss my long hair.
8) I miss my family a lot, I think two years away is the limit for me. I need at least two weeks back home every two years.
9) I don't have much time to read anymore.
10) Right now, I'm reading Songs Without Words by Ann Packer.
11) It's two years this month. Pretty amazing :o)
12) I can kinda sorta play Zombie by the Cranberries on my guitar, Yemi taught me how to.
13) I have a black acoustic guitar.
14) When I have my own apartment, I am getting a nice guitar stand.
15) I find out in April about my H-1B visa.
16) Very scary.
17) Very very very scary.
18) I need some excitement in my life.
19) Little Woburn is very boring.
20) I am in the process of watching season 2 of Lost.
21) Still not getting into it, hopefully it gets better.
22) Snow snow snow, too much snow.
23) Over and out.

2007-10-08T00:44:00.000-05:00

An update from Boston...

Life is a routine now. I wake up to the beeping of the alarm, set it to snooze three times before I can drag myself out of bed. I walk right into the shower to wake up and I am always in a rush to get ready because I am always running late. During my long commute either by car or bus or train, I relax and lose myself in thought. I am always continually thinking about the future. I get to work, and buy my usual world's best fresh squeezed orange juice from the french guy. Sometimes I have breakfast, sometimes I don't. I usually get to work an hour early, so I can leave about an hour or half hour early. Most days I stay in late. I like what I do but sometimes it is mind numbing, but no complaints. On Wednesdays, I go to my guitar class. Twice a week, I listen to French tapes to brush up on my spoken french. Some days like today, I miss my old friends, who were so close to me before and not so much anymore. Sometimes I think how easy it is to feel distant. I miss Chicago and I can't wait to visit in ten days. Life now is uneventful which is all I wished for sometime ago. I feel restless. Sometimes, I feel like packing up and leaving town. Just taking a one way ticket to somewhere, west coast or Europe maybe. Leaving everything behind. Maybe in a year or two or less, I might -- depending on the circumstances. I could work at a book store or be a waitress at a cafe. I could work only when I want to. I could read in bed for days at end and then just listen to music for a few days. I could move from place to place. I could work in a farm or be a window cleaner. I could work at a grungy used bike store. I could live out of can food and sleep on the floor. I could not have an ID card or a bank account or a closet. I could own just one pair of jeans. I could work at a tatoo parlor. I could live by the sea and fish for a living. I could be invisible and alive. For now I am just another crisp pant wearing corporate snob who has a bank account and an ID and a schedule and a lunch break. Eh, I am only 23, I have time......

Right?

2007-09-19T22:03:00.000-05:00

I wish...

...I could rip my heart out and watch it beat.

2007-08-24T23:23:00.000-05:00

I love Mr.Bean...

I just got back from watching "Mr.Bean's Holiday".I laughed so much that my sides are still aching. There were very few people in the theater, just about ten on a Friday night, which makes me wonder what poor taste people have for comedy. I went to watch the movie " I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry" one Friday night and the place was packed. There was not a single seat empty. It was crude humor and really not a good movie. I guess people here like trashy comedy. If you haven't seen the latest Mr. Bean comedy, you are missing out on some good stuff!

2007-08-23T09:21:00.000-05:00

Still...

...growing, dreaming and believing..

2007-07-16T20:49:00.001-05:00

Life is...

....pretty fucking good :o)

2007-07-11T21:14:00.000-05:00

Song on my mind...

Garbage -- The World is Not Enough

I know how to hurt
I know how to kill
I know what to show
And what to conceal
I know when to talk
And I know when to touch
No one ever died from wanting too much

The world is not enough
But it is such a perfect place to start, my love
And if youre strong enough
Together we can take the world apart, my love

People like us
Know how to survive
Theres no point in living
If you cant feel the life
We know when to kiss
And we know when to kill
If we cant have it all
Then nobody will

The world is not enough
But it is such a perfect place to start, my love
And if youre strong enough
Together we can take the world apart, my love

I...i feel sick
I...i feel scared
I...i feel ready
And yet unprepared

The world is not enough
But it is such a perfect place to start, my love
And if youre strong enough
Together we can take the world apart, my love

2007-07-08T18:32:00.000-05:00

A whimsical love affair...

This post is dedicated to Chicago. I leave Chicago tomorrow and I have never felt more attached to any city. It is as if I have had a deep love affair with this city. It knows my secrets. I feel so comfortable in the streets of Chicago. Like this is where I am meant to be. By moving to another city, it feels to me like I am leaving behind my most loyal trusted friend. I have walked this city, I went through so much pain, so much love, so much happiness, so much sadness, so much trepidation, so much satisfaction, so much loss, so much excitement in this magnificent city.

Today, I packed my stuff. Gave away some, threw some away. Everything I own is now in Boston, or on its way there or in my suitcases. When I leave tomorrow, I will be going away from the place that saw me grow into what I am today. I will miss the lake. I will miss the wind. I will miss the culture. I will miss the museums. I will miss the food. I will miss that edge of the pier that I have run to many times. I will miss the libraries. I will miss lake shore drive. I will miss the trains and the buses. I will miss every inch that I have ever been to. I will miss West Catalpa St and Kenmore St and Emerald St and Farrell St and State St. among many others. I will miss being alone -- just the streets of Chicago and me.

Of course, I will come back. But it will be to visit. For now, I have to go and make my home somewhere else. My dream is to come back here. Someday. My dream is to come back here and never have to leave again.

I am loyal. I get attached. That's how I am with people. That's how I am with cities.

For now -- Goodbye Chicago. It's been a pleasure.

2007-07-04T21:49:00.000-05:00

Chicago-Boston-NYC-Boston-Chicago...

Yup, that's where I have been so far since I graduated. I'm in Chicago now after about a month in Boston and a few days of it in NYC. I feel like I have come home. Too bad I have to leave in a few days to start my first 9 to 5 job in Boston.

I LOVE CHICAGO. Someday, I'll come back here. When I was at the check in booth at Boston airport, I had to show my Illinois state ID, and the guy who was printing my boarding pass asked me -- "Are you going home?"

I nodded yes and grinned wide.

About four more days in Chicago. I'll miss this city.

2007-05-14T00:40:00.000-05:00

Graduated!!!!

...on May 12th,2007

2007-05-08T03:31:00.000-05:00

148 college memories...(past 5 years, in random order)...

1) Growing up
2) The cafeteria
3) Studying all night at the 24 hour starbucks
4) The presentations
5) The exams
6) Mice
7) The Catalpa house
8) Noor chacha
9) Farrell St
10) Playing pool with my cc in the grad basement
11) Angeliki pinching my toes in the pool at Keating
12) Running on the treadmill at Keating
13) Adobo
14) The Korean lunch cooked by four korean guys
15) Sun
16) The flowers
17) The independence and the dependence
18) My goldfishes dying one after another
19) Separation
20) The boys and the men and the mean girls and the nice ones
21) 7-e
22) Chinese kitchen and golden thai
23) Working the desk with too much heat
24) Working the desk in the freezing cold
25) Working the desk all night
26) Zazi and Edelstein
27) Chipotle and Grey's nights
28) Lafayette
29) Marga leaving
30) Angeliki leaving to NYC
31) Trespassing
32) Sleeping in the lounge
34) Angeliki and Sadia's graduation
35) Marga's graduation
36) Lesley's graduation
37) Lonely nights
38) All nighters
39) Late nights
40) Electrons
41) Burners
42) Crying more than I have ever cried or will ever cry
43) James Dean
44) Heather
45) Sleeping so many nights with Marga on the same bed
46) Miller's pub with Marga
47) Music, so much music
48) My blue pencil box
49) Crushes
50) Temptation
51) My green road bike
52) Wearing black everyday
53) Mr. Martin and Ms.Lyons
54) Losing my naivety
55) Biophysics assignments
56) Menhart
57) Making the modern physics cheat sheet with Sany
58) Chasing after a kid who stole Lissa's ipod
59) That starry night, in front of Vandercook
60) 300
61) The horrible waiting periods before the start of each semester
62) AIM conversations
63) The sound of his footsteps running up the stairs to my room
64) Riding down 31st to see my baby
65) Learning to ride my bike with one hand
66) Heartache
67) Journal
68) Monkeys
69) First night at Marga's apt on Emerald
70) Angeliki's birthday 2005
71) Bloc Party concert- best night of my life so far
72) Winter break 2006
73) Hibernation
74) Insomnia
75) Belmont trips with Alex
76) Thursday nights at the delts with Isida, Casey, Alex & Spencer
77) Boston
78) Crazy Sadia
79) Finally being Vidya's friend
80) Screaming out loud at the edge of the pier
81) South 115
82) Lying by the lake, running to the lake, crying by the lake
83) Physics 2 lab, cupid and finding love
84) Pilates in the racquet ball court
85) The showers
86) Helen
87) Sophomore camp
88) Sapna swearing
89) Trips with Lesley to SpringWorld
90) Rooming with Angeliki - the music, the late night talks
91) Looking for a place to live online at the night owl lab with Marga
92) Being homeless with Marga
93) Doing laundry while living on the fourth floor of Fowler
94) Kirthi pronking
95) Halal chicken sandwiches
96) Being ridiculously broke
97) Asking Margarita that question in the cafeteria
98) Lesley living across the hall in Lewis
99) Trips with Angeliki to get frozen drinks in the middle of winter
100) Meeting my adviser for the first time
101) The snow
102) Lesley waking me up every day for classes in Lewis
103) South 115, South 215, Fowler 417, Lewis 315, Lewis 324
104) Yianni's studio apartment in the curry smelling grad apts
105) Gyming with Yianni
106) Pastels
107) Frozen bananas
108) Huge Turkey legs
109) Stranded with Angeliki because of the IIT shuttle
110) Covering my windows with black cardboard
111) Waiting in the HUB
112) The pay phone at the HUB
113) Running to the lake with Sara at dawn everyday , Summer 2005
114) Riding in the rain to see my cc
115) Tech News
116) Red Cross
117) Going to fires with Marga in the middle of the night
118) Venting and bitching to Sunny
119) The basements
120) Discovering money, and the lack thereof
121) Yemi
122) Angeliki and Sadia's spider infested frat room
123) Living in Marina City with Lesley, summer 2004
124) Working at Dunkin Donuts and Baskin Robbins
125) The 7 am to 9 pm, 14 hr shift at DD & BR
126) Praying at Farr Hall
127) Eunice Kim
128) Fu Manchu concert with Yianni
129) That night-- walking to IIT with Marga on her crutches
130) Tess
131) The Dominicks on foster and the Tedino's
132) The mistakes
133) Fat Finney and studying for anal chem with anal Vidya
134) The white russian night with Sapna and Vidya
135) Angeliki and I singing..I can't fight this feeling anymore
136) Kirthi calling me Majii
137) Opara and IPRO 308 and being called "dictator"
138) My 23rd birthday poster
139) The horrendous biostats exams
140) Eating shin cup noodles with Vidya in her room
141) Marga's housewarming at the loft she rented
142) Hoa's 40 minute presentation
143) Walking to ghetto dog with my cc
144) Discovering plain paper and smooth black pens
145) Researching prions and histones and nanoparticles
146) Darts at the Bog
147) The Ramen and diet coke period
148) Missing home so so much

2007-05-04T01:17:00.000-05:00

Excerpt from Augustana -- Boston...

....She said I think I'll go to Boston
Think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
Where no one knows my name
I'll get out of California
I'm tired of the weather
Think I'll get a lover
And fly him out to Spain
I think I'll go to Boston
I Think that I'm just tired
I Think I need a new town
To leave this all behind
I Think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of a sunset
I hear it's nice in the summer
Some snow would be nice

Oh yeah
You don't know me
and you don't even care
Oh yeah

Boston
Where no one knows my name
no one knows my name
no one knows my name
Boston
Where no one knows my name...

2007-05-02T00:14:00.001-05:00

10 days to graduation...

Really didn't think I'll get this far. I am numb.

2007-04-29T15:03:00.000-05:00

Why this summer is going to be awesome...

1) No more schooooolllllllllllllllllllll
2) No work till July 11th
3) Angeliki will be here
4) Alex will be here
5) Boston for good food and much love
6) Biking
7) Trying to skateboard :o)
8) Graduation day!
9) Adobo chicken
10) Lying on the beach
11) Taste of Chicago
12) Absolutely nothing to do!!
13) Just sun and fun :o)

2007-04-22T18:17:00.000-05:00

Last doorguard work shift...

I am working my last doorguard work shift. I feel sad, not because I will miss it but because it is the last day of the job that helped pay for my books, laundry, food, clothes and other expenses :o(

God, I'm graduating.

2007-04-19T19:12:00.001-05:00

‘In health’ but not ‘in sickness’…

Good thing I found out before it was too late.

2007-04-17T01:49:00.000-05:00

Livin'....

I'm alive.

I'm breathing.

Endless possibilities.

My whole life awaits me.

2007-04-14T19:37:00.000-05:00

The Story -- Brandi Carlile...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
Yeah you do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
Is hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through but you do
And I was made for you...

2007-03-28T03:13:00.000-05:00

Like the wind...

I am listening to Albert Hammond. His songs make me cry. I cry. No reason. His music is not sad or anything. There is just something about it. I feel many things when I listen to it. Like being sad is not the worse thing that can happen to you. That the sadness you feel, the pain that wrenches your heart out makes you more alive. And knowing that anything can happen and you can live with the pain and feel empowered by it rather than bogged down by it. And when you make that decision which probably makes you so sad but you finally come to terms with it. It is like one step up in life. Right now, I feel relieved. I knew I was never the kind to be tied down or be stable or predictable. I pleasantly surprised myself when I became that way for a while. Then it started to scare me. But now I know for sure. I am not stable, I am not permanent, I am always feeling the need for more, I am never going to have a typical life, I am never going to be tied down. It is sad but that is the way I am. I think I was acting out because I felt claustrophobic. But now I am relieved. I know I don't have to stay nowhere for long. I don't have to know tomorrow. Maybe it is not a good thing but that's just me. I like it like this. I can be the person I want to be. I can go anywhere, do anything. Like the wind.

2007-03-11T00:19:00.000-06:00

Finally...

A few minutes back I signed up to attend the graduation ceremony. May 12th 2007. I wasn't planning to go to the ceremony but decided to since my family is going to be here. When I clicked the submit button, it finally hit me. I am graduating!!!! :o)

It's been a wild and difficult ride. I do not have a great g.p.a nor do I know what exactly I am going to do when I graduate. But right at this moment I am feeling pretty good. Pretty pretty pretty good :o) I am the first woman in my family and the previous generations to break convention and the first to leave home in their teens to pursue an education so far away. Two more months!

2007-02-28T16:10:00.000-06:00

Love...

Love beyond the world cannot be separated by it...

2007-01-01T14:49:00.000-06:00

Happy new year and my trip so far...

1) Take the greyhound once in your life
2) If you take it again after your first time, you fucking rock
3) Memphis --Tennessee, Jackson -- Mississippi and some other small towns so far
4) In Lafayette -- Louisiana now, this place is awesome -- so is the food, the gym and the people
5) I like 'em southern accents
6) Also australian ones
7) I am completely fixed :o)
8) Not my loss, for sure
9) I like crawfish
10) New Year's eve was great
11) Happy New Year!
12) I am getting a new piercing today!
13) Gosh, I am excited
14) Fireworks are legal here!
15) You can actually set them off in your own backyard or wherever, that is awesome
16) I don't wanna go back to Chicago
17) Sighh
18) Don't know when I am going back
19) Need to brush my teeth now
20) Adios

2006-12-26T13:01:00.000-06:00

Coz I'm leaving...

....on a Greyhound bus, don't know when I'll be back again.

2006-12-24T15:28:00.000-06:00

The year and an update..

I am feeling normal, after a while. I had a long night yesterday, spent most of it talking to an old pal. He gave me good insight on how to deal with things. Many things dawned on me after scrutinizing my life as a critical outsider. I have now sorted my seven loads of laundry that lay on my room floor covering every inch for days. I set apart clothes I don't really need and kept the sensible stuff. I'll give them away sometime this week. I paired my socks and put them away, vacuumed my floor and wiped every surface on my room clean. I cleaned my fridge and washed some dishes. I made my bed after days. I took off the black cardboard from my windows and threw it away. I let the sunshine stream in. I trimmed my nails and conditioned my hair. I ate my vitamins and ran to the lake.

I thought about last December and how happy I was. So much has happened in just a year and as hard as it was, it is one more new lesson that I have mastered. I am stronger, I am sure of that. I had some of my happiest and saddest moments this year. I made new friends and tried new stuff. I cut my hair short for the first time in years. I ate sushi and this time I actually enjoyed it. I finally let go of my old computer monitor and got a new one. I listened to some good music, thanks to my cc. I passed Biophysics. I finished the first half of my senior year. And, today I bought and had lunch with an old homeless person downtown. He made me laugh. It was worth every penny. I made peace with the fact that some dreams of mine will probably never be realized and that all that matters is to try and fight tooth and nail for anything that is worth having. I realized so many things about myself that I never knew before. Next year will be new and different and hard and satisfying. I can't wait!

2006-12-22T07:46:00.000-06:00

One day at a time..

I am fixing me -- one day at a time. Some days are worse than others. Yesterday I bought 5 books for $60. I initially left to shop for clothes but ended up buying books. I am glad I did. I read all night long and then came to work at 6 a.m. I finished two books. I feel wronged. I hope that feeling goes away. I am going to renew my library card so I don't have to spend that much money on books again. I keep my phone on silent most of the time, so if you have been trying to reach me and cannot, just e-mail me.

Part three of my life will begin in about six months if all goes well. I cannot wait for a new beginning. I need it.

2006-12-15T05:19:00.000-06:00

I need...

....strength, will power and so much more to get through this. I am never doing something like this again. It took too much from me and has left me weak. I've been through harder times but nothing as painful as this or maybe this is the second most painful thing ever. Maybe third. I guess I was just stronger before. My throat has now had a lump for a while and my chest hurts so bad. I have to get through this. I have to get through this. Somehow. Whatever it takes.

2006-12-14T01:07:00.000-06:00

I like...

1) Little dots, the black and white polka kind (on brunettes)
2) Brand New Colony by The Postal Service (has to be the one of the most romantic songs ever written)
3) Payday (who doesn't?)
4) Andes (yes, I found him -- he was held to ransom)
5) The early morning walk back to my room from work (it is quiet, gray and soothing)
6) Having dinner with Lesley (especially when I get picked up and dropped back)
7) Thinking about winter break (hoping it goes by nice and slow)
8) Convertible gloves (with colorful stripes)
9) Being so so scared about the future (it keeps me guessing and it keeps me alive)
10) Coloring books (they help me breathe).....

2006-12-09T04:26:00.000-06:00

Update...

I just figured out how to make this blog private. I get hits from around the world, so if you'd like to read my blog please e-mail me at noushy@gmail.com and I'll add you to the list of people who can view this blog. I need a place to write about some of my private stuff, hence the password protection. Some of you probably already got e-mails adding you to the list. You need a gmail or google account to access it. I will start password protecting the blog from December 20th, 2006.

I feel lonely. My closest friends have gone away from me and I can't find my monkey Andes and I miss my cc already :o(

Hopefully, I'll get to see Lesley this coming week.

I feel like I am in some transition phase. It sucks. I have my biophysics final on Monday. It is a do or die situation. Knowing my luck, it is probably die.

Yeah, my posts have been pretty depressing lately. Well, I can't help it.

2006-12-03T21:12:00.000-06:00

Life right now...

...is so so so cold...

2006-11-25T22:18:00.000-06:00

No more...

I have a huge biophysics exam on Monday and I have not started studying for it. I had two days off for thanksgiving and it is now Saturday and I don't know a thing. My life and my career depends on me passing this class. If I don't pass it, I don't graduate. If I don't graduate, I cannot work. Why am I slacking off? Because I gave into emotions. Emotions I should never have let creep upto me in the way they did. I should have been like the Maje a year back -- who wouldn't give a shit about any man and wouldn't let anything hinder her priorities. I fucked up. I let my emotions dictate the person I have become now. I let another person to totally control my mind, my heart and my soul. I did that once and it broke me. I spent a long time fixing it. Now, I did it again. I gave away too much of myself. I can be weak willed at times but by God, push me to the limit and I am ruthless and strong and a fighter. So bring it on. I will get over this too. Nothing is going to get me down, certainly not another human being.

2006-11-19T04:20:00.000-06:00

I feel like...

....almost everything I did in my life was the wrong decision. I wish I could live it all over again. I would change so much. One life to live. Screwed up the first 22 years.

2006-10-19T16:40:00.000-05:00

Gawd I miss you...

Excerpt from an e-mail I received from an ol' ol' friend --

gosh maje are you alive or what!!!!havnt heard from u for ages and its just not funny!......i guess im to blame fifty percent too...ok may be...48 percent!....but gosh i miss u!....btw way honey im in the andaman and nicobar islands!.....

and im loving every second!..maje!...ive never seen so many shades of blue and green and brown in my entire life!!!the waters our so blue and deep!and the ive seen some really thick green jungles....silversands and been bitten by leeches!...i dont know where to start and im afraid if i do....gosh ill have to torture you with my yackety yack for atleast a good whole day!....words cannot describe the beauty my eyes have seen...i can smell the freshness of the earth - the leaves....hear the insects(the mosquitoes too...theyre king size round here!)...the cooing of birds....fresh sea breeze..... walked on shell and coral studded beaches....its all so immaculate....ooooooooooooooooofffff...this place just has a way of filling up your senses and grabbin the superlatives right out of ur mouth!...and i can go on and on and it wont be enough!....about work....thats fun too....i work in a hospital in portblair(thats the capital city)...but every 2 weeks we take the ship...sail for bout 9hrs for an island called little andaman..and station in a place called hutbay...this area was really badly affected by the tsunami...so we're tied up with an ngo called world vision(u might of heard of it)...and we conduct health camps in the intermediate shelters for the tsunami affected families....met a lot of interesting people and tribes...got to eat tortoise meat baby!yummy yummy(now take that squirmish lok off your face pronto!;-))...cant wait to set my taste buds afire with the other exotic dishes...like octupus...snake...pigeons...monitor lizards...and bats!!yummy yummy..(ok...im kiddin...ok may be partially...but yea...people here eat these things!).....nand yup...this place does have internet access...i check at the rate of....maybe...once in 2 weeks...should run now....fill me in hon...take care and be good.

signing off now...from the land of open skies....turquoise seas....embellished beaches...coconut tres and tsunamis....loads of love and hugs....(miss u tons and tons!)

2006-10-17T02:23:00.000-05:00

Some thoughts...

Finally, I have time to breathe. I spent the last few hours, sleeping and watching Nip/Tuck. Don't ask me about my exams. Sore subject. I am at work now and it is 2 a.m. I go to bed after the sun rises almost everyday. It is raining outside and pretty quiet around here. Typical Monday night. Everybody's beat. Fall break is coming up. I am excited, not because I am doing anything special, but because these few days will give me time to catch up with classes. I typically do better in the latter half of the semester.

Actually, I'd like to talk about my exams today. Biophysics -- I stayed up all night and studied the notes and read all four chapters from the text book. At this point, I am feeling pretty confident and even liking Biophysics. I was studying in the basement. I went back to my room and tried to answer the old quiz questions and I couldn't solve it because neither the book or the notes helped. I felt so down about it that I did not bother to look at the quiz solutions. The exam today had all the damn quiz questions. The same effing ones. I felt like an idiot, to say the least.

Anyway, that's that. Gosh, the days are passing by so fast, it is ridiculous. Oh, I found this website called Orkut which is something like Facebook and I found so many of my high school friends on it. Some of them are married and some of them are here in the U.S -- it's crazy. I feel like I am role playing. It seems like the curtains will be drawn soon and I will be back in my green pinafore, converse shoes, nerdy glasses and dorky pigtails. Somehow, I feel like my mental state of mind has been stuck at that age (15-17). Like my life now is a farce and something that I am hallucinating about. Maybe I feel this way because all those high school memories came rushing back.

Today I found myself thinking back to my high school days and feeling this slight pressure in my chest -- happens when I miss someone/something. For just a moment, I wished I was back there, back then, always 16. Life was kinda perfect then (or perhaps when you look back at life in retrospect, it always looks better than it is now), and easy. For just a moment, I felt suspended in time. The moment passed. I am different now. I don't know if people who knew me back then will like what I have become now and I don't know if the people who know me now would like me if they had known me back then. I wonder if I will change again. This drastic change in personality. And if I do, who will I be?

Hmm. My chest is feeling that pressure again. I don't know why. Today's been a weird day -- emotionally. That's all folks.

2006-10-12T09:29:00.000-05:00

Today...

The first day of snow. As always -- beautiful and full of hope.

2006-10-10T11:05:00.000-05:00

My life...

...revolves around biophysics.

2006-10-07T22:22:00.000-05:00

FUCK..

I need to get the fuck out of here!!!

2006-10-01T14:00:00.000-05:00

Oh man...

Early today morning, I was reminded of why I chose to move off campus last year and strongly regretted moving back on campus. I need to be in a world of mature human beings. People who rationalize and think why things happen and are not mere puppets to their peers. People need to grow a spine. Gosh, nothing makes me more sick to my stomach than imagining a bunch of giggling gossiping boys. I need to get out of this place. Not only IIT but Chicago. So I can get far away as possible. I need to be in a world where there are real problems and issues that are discussed by people. Gawd. Anyway, going to study for my p chem exam tomorrow, so I can expediate the process of me getting out of this kindergarten place.

2006-09-22T01:07:00.000-05:00

I'm terrified...

...about the future.

2006-09-19T00:12:00.000-05:00

Around the corner...

It's here. I walked back from work to the dorms a few minutes back. I felt the air. I felt it in my bones. The bones in my back. They hurt. They tensed. Like they were trying to cover my body and protect me. I inhaled, took in the air. My body relaxed. I felt like if nothing else, the earth was with me. In a way, I liked this feeling. I knew this feeling. It is the first time every year when you feel it, it just comes along suddenly one night and you know what it means. It came tonight. It's here. Winter's around the corner.

2006-09-18T14:21:00.000-05:00

Update..yes..finally!

School started full swing, hence the lack of posts. Fresh updates follow :o) --

I went to Miami with Margarita for Labor day weekend. It was good. I think it was my first official vacation after I came here to the U.S. It is a beautiful place but much too happy for me and all that sunshine! I like the beach -- reminds me of home. Oh oh oh, I took a picture with a python around my neck. Yes, a real shiny slithering one. In other news, my grandma is coming to Chicago tommorow. Can't wait! I am gonna get so much lovin' and hugs and kisses and no more cafeteria food! She and I might be going to New York city and Boston soon. I can't wait to see Angeliki in NYC. Should be fun. I am liking school. So much stress, so much to do, so little time. I love it. Most of my classes are okay except my Molecular Biophysics class. I just sit in the front row and gape at the white board. It is a humbling experience -- to not have a clue of what is going on. All my other classes seem so easy to comprehend in comparison to it. I have to get through it though, or I don't graduate! I also set up my room a few days back. I like having a single room. It is small but cozy. I was finally productive this weekend. Got some stuff done. I think I am becoming shallow. I am trying to fix it though. I think I spend too much time and mental energy on superficial "stuff"-- I am working on it. Hopefully, my shallow phase will pass quick. The days are passing so fast. It is Monday and before I know it, the weekend will be here again. I am so close to being done. It is exhilarating. I always like new beginnings.

2006-08-23T18:45:00.000-05:00

Ups and downs...

It has been a crazy few days. I've felt so many emotions lately. I am registered for classes and in the senior year of college. Finally. School starts tommorow. I got into all the classes I needed. I feel relieved. I cannot wait to throw myself in the rigor and routine that is to come. I have a tough semester ahead of me and I cannot mess up.

I am not so sure about certain things anymore. I do not know if I can deal with uncertainty and second thoughts. For the first time, I am acknowledging to myself that this might not work. It is going to be so hard to let it go and move on. It just seems like a vicious cycle which I am not emotionally equipped to handle.

Ups and downs. Eh, c'est la vie.

2006-08-18T18:23:00.000-05:00

Update in numbers...

1) Yup, I am back
2) To blogging
3) Gonna do my favorite
4) Updating in numbers
5) I am at work right now
6) Will be done at 8 pm
7) It is my dad's birthday on the 19th
8) It is already 19th in India
9) My phone is out of minutes
10) Get only incoming calls
11) School starts next week
12) Don't know about it though
13) My cc is back
14) Things are just peachy
15) Most of the time
16) It is nice outside
17) Rainy and dark
18) Just the way I like it
19) My new room is nice and cozy
20) Nice view of tree branches and the moon on good days
21) My sleep schedule is askew again
22) And again I say
23) Life is fleeting
24) Live it
25) The next few days
26) Are going to be hard
27) Not knowing
28) Again
29) Sheets of empty canvas
30) Pearl Jam
31) Black
32) That's the song ringing in my head right now
33) Two people I knew died
34) Both in car accidents, separate ones
35) Both were friends who I didn't know too well
36) You know friends who are more like aquaintances
37) But you still meet and talk to at social events
38) And when you accidently run into them
39) On the way to or from somewhere
40) It still gave me a sharp pang in my heart when I heard
41) It is weird although I didn't know them much
42) It kind of hurts to know that someone who I knew and talked to
43) Someone who like me was young and vital and full of dreams
44) Is dead
45) I cannot begin to imagine what close friends and family go through
46) Just the thought of losing someone close to me
47) Gives me shudders
48) I hope the friends and families of the deceased
49) Find strength to bear the pain
50) It is hard to live each day of your life like it is your last
51) I think it is almost impossible
52) Because we always live today with tomorrow in mind
53) With the hope that tommorow will come
54) P and N -- May your souls be free and at peace
55) I am in the process of reading three books now
56) Authors -- Stephen King, Kazuo Ishiguro and James Patterson
57) Dreamcatcher, Never let me go and Lifeguard respectively
58) Hmm, that's all I have to say for now
59) King beckons
60) Over and out

2006-08-08T02:38:00.000-05:00

Death Cab for Cutie -- Transatlanticism..

The atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how...
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer
So come on, come on

2006-08-06T14:49:00.000-05:00

Life is fleeting..

...live it.

2006-08-05T02:34:00.000-05:00

Work and then some gratitude...

I feel optimistic right now. I don't know why. I am working till 4 a.m. Spent the last few hours text messaging Nicky. My thumb is sore from pushing buttons but it was worth it. I enjoy pulling her leg and bitching to her. She is on the top of the list of people in the whole world who can take me as I am without complaining, at my worst and best, who will put up with all my drama and bull shit and deal with it again and again till I surface up for a few moments of sanity. I have been down the last few days but while I was texting Nicky, I was thinking about my life and there is so much I am thankful for, so here is a positive post for a change.

I am thankful --

For my health and my body and my hair and my limbs. For my scars -- both physical and emotional, and the lessons I have learned from them. For all the sadness and for all the laughter.

For my heart.

For food and drink. For thirst quenched and hunger sated.

For my incredible parents, the strongest people I know. For their love for each other which never ceases to amaze me.

For a life that wasn't the easiest but certainly not even close to hard. For my strength.

For my failures, they make me who I am . For my triumphs, which I love just as much.

For my sisters, the thought of them just makes me proud -- they are me but better.

For my friends, for always always being there and putting up with me through my storms.

For my boy, because come what may, a chunk of my heart is his forever.

For electrons. For buzzing. For physics lab.

For my grit and perseverance.

For my love of music and books. For being able to write, even if it is just mediocre.

For rain and wind and snow. For color. For stars. For darkness and clouds.

For strangers who have taught me much.

For grass and trees and showers and water.

For chances that I am given, again and again.

For the love I have found I am capable of and for the love that was and is given to me.

For my ability to dream and my ability to hope. For my ability to go on. Relentlessly.

2006-08-04T16:56:00.000-05:00

Sleepy...

A particular comment on the previous post inspired me to post again. I went to bed around 6.30 a.m today and woke up at 8.30 ish. I had the scheduling meeting to go to. I am throwing myself at work, going to work 44 hours next week. After that, I met Lesley for lunch and went on a little shopping spree. Bought some stuff, which I usually wouldn't buy or wear. They still have their tags on -- in case, I decide to return them. In particular, I like this little black weird sleeved jacket I got. Can't wait for the weather to cool down so I can wear it -- that is if I don't return it before that. I also bought two hand bags -- a black one and a red one. 'That's My Bag' had a sale and it is my favorite bag shop so I could not resist it. I normally cannot afford the bags there but on sale they were priced ok, still not too cheap.I bought the black one and while I was paying for it, the cashier said it was 10 dollars off the next bag. I knew it was still going to be a rip off, so I said no thanks and walked out. A few steps later, I rushed back in and got the second bag. Got ripped off. But hey, I am missing my cc, so I can use an extra bag or three. I need comforting. Yeah, I am becoming shallow -- seeking refuge in shopping. Ugh. Then I tried calling a number but it was the wrong number, so got yelled at by some random lady far far away. So now, I am at work and can barely stay awake. Dozing. I work till 8 and then again at midnight. Ugh.

2006-08-03T00:19:00.000-05:00

Rain...

It was raining in Chicago today. Yup, I can't blog enough about rain. I am at work again. I wanted to blog before but I have been keeping up with my one entry per day rule for this blog, so didn't want to break the cycle. I am weird like that. Don't like to jinx things. I don't think I strongly beleive in jinxing though. So, back to the rain. I was in my room and it was raining. I decided to leave about twenty minutes early, so I could take a walk in the rain. I've never owned an umbrella and don't think I ever will. I walked around campus, listening to music on my ipod and it was nice. There was hardly anyone outside. I was soaked when I got to work, but it felt good. I have been doing a lot of pondering. Yes, just like you asked me to. Many things make more sense to me. I've been trying to avoid any sort of company so I can be alone and think things out. It reminded me of last summer. I also finished the third season of Six Feet Under. I like that show. If my life had a genre, that is what it would be -- dark ironic drama/humor. I hate how I spell different here -- color not colour, humor not humour. I know I don't have to, but I just do it, I don't know why. I have about three and a half hours to go at work. I forgot my phone in my room. I was going to call Nicky but her number is on my phone. Oh well, she is probably in class anyway. I don't like it when people from the past resurface. Shakes up any sense of normalcy I might have in my head. Just come back out of nowhere and expect things to be the same again. Wtf! I had chocolate today after a long time. A snickers bar -- actually half of it. I couldn't finish it. It was not as good as I remembered it was. Yeah, there are going to be no paragraphs in this post. Like I've said before, deal with it! I am worried about classes and the future. I will have no time to do anything but focus on school next semester. I actually cannot wait to start again. I am going to Miami -- labor day weekend with Margarita. It will be fun and a good break. Hopefully, I will get to see Angeliki soon too, when she gets to NYC. I wonder where I will be next year at this time -- August 2007. Gosh. Wherever I am, I am sure I will be missing you, so that will be the same. Aaaarghh, why do so many things in life have to be so complicated?!?!?!?

2006-08-02T17:19:00.000-05:00

Sleep...

My entries for a few weeks from now will have a journal like feel to them. Some of you know the reason, so here goes. I ordered some thai last night but could not finish it. I wish my cc was there with me to help me with it. I watched a few episodes of Six Feet Under and then listened to Bloc Party and Snow Patrol. I tried hard to fall asleep after that but I could not. It was 2 a.m at this point. I called and left a voicemail and a text msg although I knew the person would not get it for another two weeks. I bought some stuff online which I don't need, tried calling Nicky but she was in school, she left me a few text messages though, so that felt good. I tried to sleep but could not, so I listened to James Blunt on repeat, tried counting sheep but that didn't work either, the last time I saw the time before I fell asleep was like 4.45 am. Then I had weird dreams and disturbed sleep. I woke up at 8 but could not get out of bed. Finally, I got out at 2 p.m, got ready and came to work. I work till 8 pm and then work again at midnight. I will probably do laundry and hit the gym between the shifts.

2006-08-01T15:55:00.000-05:00

I'll...

...miss you.

2006-07-31T18:03:00.000-05:00

Sometimes...

Sometimes I feel so broken, sometimes I feel so hurt. Sometimes I wish it never was. Sometimes I feel I cannot go on one more day, one more minute this way. I am strong, I can do this. Just one more time, I can let go. Let it all go. Get up. Move on. Fuck it. Live.

2006-07-27T20:33:00.000-05:00

Ugh...

Lost one of my contact lenses and my bike got stolen :o(

2006-07-26T04:13:00.000-05:00

Home...

I am so sick. My head was throbbing all night and I am throwing up every few minutes. I want to go home to mom :o(

2006-07-25T16:54:00.000-05:00

Update...

The last week has been weird and tough. I worked a lot and also thought about stuff a lot. Margarita's birthday is coming up, that should be fun. I pissed a few people off this week although I didn't mean to. I miss the people who are far away from me. I guess, like a friend of mine said -- people come and people go. I just have to learn to deal with it. I can't wait for school to start so I can drown myself in the day to day monotony and think of nothing else.

2006-07-17T23:03:00.000-05:00

Wind...

When the wind is blowing against your face and your eyes are tearing and the speed is fast - and your eye brows feel like they could be ripped off, nothing, absolutely nothing else matters.

2006-07-09T19:10:00.000-05:00

Pursuit...

I watched the world cup soccer final today. It was a close match between France and Italy. Italy won. I like watching competitive events. I like passionate people. Passionate about anything -- soccer or bugs or rockets or mammoths or anything else. Driven and zealous. Everything is an extreme.

The match today got me thinking. The previous world cup soccer was in 2002. I was a naive and shy 18 year old, in a brand new city, thousands of miles away from home. First year in college, was an excellent high school student when I graduated. I was more passionate and more driven and definitely filled with zeal. I had no concept of life or work or money. I was home sick all the time, called home everyday. So incredibly different from what I am now.

I am now 22. In the last year of college and a mediocre student. I am getting a hang of how life works. I've worked good jobs and crappy ones. I understand money better. I know nothing lasts, everthing is ephemeral. People come and go. Some mark you for life and take bits of you with them. Sometimes they stay a while and sometimes they don't. If not, I have learned to live without them, learned ways to heal my broken parts. I call home about once in two weeks, I love my family to death but know I probably will never live with them again for a long period of time. I am stronger, wiser in the ways of the world. I am pretty sure my IQ has dropped and I have no sense of direction.

When the next world cup soccer comes around in South Africa, I will be 26. Hopefully I will be alive and kicking. I may have a permanent job or not. I might be in Chicago or Boston or India or in some corner of the earth. Perhaps I will be more passionate and driven, I'd like to be, whatever I am doing. I will probably be less restless and more satisfied. Maybe pursuing different dreams and ideals than what I have now for myself. Maybe I will have my own home. And like my cc said I may be on my peak.

Can't wait for the next world cup to come around.

2006-07-07T17:22:00.000-05:00

Colorful.

2006-07-04T12:00:00.000-05:00

Stuff on my mind...

1) You, you, you
2) The Cranberries -- downloading songs from the best of the cranberries 1992- 2002
3) I did not go to watch fireworks yesterday
4) I went the last four years
5) I am confused
6) Zombie is my new favorite song
7) I am home sick
8) I just want to go home :o(
9) I feel so many things
10) So many conflicting emotions
11) I am not going to the taste of Chicago either this year
12) I'm protesting Angeliki's absence
13) I wish she was here
14) So we could go get frozen bananas :o(
15) I wish I could start my life all over again
16) Knowing what I know now
17) I fell in love this year
18) A love that defies reason
19) I cannot understand it
20) I am trying hard
21) If you know what I mean
22) I don't know
23) What I mean
24) Scares the hell out of me
25) I wish I did not feel this way
26) Open, raw, vulnerable
27) Listening to promises by cranberries
28) Good song!
29) Games we play
30) Fuck, why can't we just get along?

2006-07-01T15:19:00.000-05:00

Gabrielle -- Should I stay?

Here I am, waiting for a sign,
I never seem to know if you want me in your life,
Where do I stand, I just don't know
I never feel I know you,
Cause you blow hot and you blow cold,

It seems I've grown attached, though we're not the perfect match
I just can't explain
Should I stay, should I go
could I ever really stand to let you go
can you now find the right words to say
that maybe I'm getting in your way?

I feel your warmth, got me wanting more,
You’ve left the door half open, I'm in two minds to explore, but then again
am I being honest,
Being truthful to myself,
Can I see my life without you
could I be with someone else

Should I stay, should I go
I really think it's time that you should let me know,
Can you not find the right words to say
that maybe I'm getting in your way
it seems I've grown attached
though we're not the perfect match?

2006-06-19T21:13:00.000-05:00

Hiatus...

I won't be posting here for a while. I need a break from life.

2006-06-13T13:09:00.000-05:00

Can't live..

...with or without you.

2006-06-12T11:39:00.000-05:00

What I want to be...

In random order --

1) Carpenter
2) Mortician
3) Clinical Anatomist/ Anatomy lecturer at medical schools
4) Forensic Scientist
5) Motorcycle/bicycle repairer
6) Intellectual Property/ Patent lawyer
7) Realtor
8) Sky diving coach
9) Car washer
10) "Waste management business", if you know what I mean :o)

2006-06-09T08:44:00.000-05:00

Stuff...

Margarita's back and living in the dorms. Seems like we are going back in time or something -- so much has changed from before. Atleast our friendship has remained constant :o) My last post should be disregarded, things are back to normal there too. Not many complaints right now except it would be really nice to get paid for all the hours I am putting in. I am not taking the class I was supposed to take this summer. Hopefully, it won't land me in a lot of trouble and I will still be able to complete the required courses and graduate as planned. If I hadn't taken those two semesters off, I would be done right now. Sigh. I am at work right now and I just dozed off. Aaaaahhhh...I just want to go back to bed!

2006-06-01T13:22:00.000-05:00

Broken...

It is like everything bad has to happen at the same time. Starting last night to now has just been crazy. My heart is broken into a million little pieces. I don't care anymore about anything. About school, life or anything. I wish I could take back the last four and a half months. It hurts me so incredibly to think of the past months but sweet pain like someone used to say. I don't know if I wish the last few months never happened because in a way it was amazing. Almost perfect and yes -- nothing, absolutely nothing lasts forever. A few months back when I was in India, I was waiting impatiently to get back here and more impatiently for the summer. Summer is here and I wish it never came. Summer is here and I am broken.

2006-05-27T17:29:00.000-05:00

November Rain - Guns N' Roses (for my cc who I am crazy about)

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this
Such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
yeahh..
But lovers always coming
And lovers always going
And no one's really sure
Who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time
To lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
Then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time
On your own
Do you need some time
All alone
Everybody needs some time
On their own
Don't you know you need some time
All alone

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time
On my own
Sometimes I need some time
All alone
Everybody needs some time
On their own
Don't you know you need some time
All alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you
Need somebody
Don't ya think that you
Need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

2006-05-25T17:27:00.000-05:00

Update in numbers...

1) I am working now
2) Eight hour shift
3) After which my ass will hurt from sitting long hours on an uncomfortable chair
4) I am back in the dorms
5) It is bittersweet
6) Don't know for how long though
7) As always I lead an uncertain life
8) I had a good day yesterday
9) Because my cc was with me
10) I miss Marga
11) She is oh-so-far-away in Greece
12) I realized how much I need her
13) Because anytime I have second thoughts about anything
14) I just ask her
15) And since she hasn't been around
16) I have made a few stupid decisions
17) I watched three movies with my cc
18) Roadtrip
19) Matchpoint
20) The Godfather
21) My room is really bright and warm
22) I need to find ways to darken and cool the room
23) I am going to wait for a few days though before I do anything
24) If by chance it is certain I am staying, then I shall work on the room
25) I am really really thirsty right now
26) I forgot to bring my bottle of water
27) I have about six and a half hours to go
28) And I can't leave the desk
29) Ahhh, my parched throat!
30) I have a book I borrowed from a friend with me
31) Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk
32) Will start reading it when I am done posting
33) Last week I finished reading The Broker by John Grisham
34) It was all right, typical Grisham
35) Today I watched two episodes of Sopranos from season three
36) Damn, I need water :o(
37) Ahh, Marga, do you remember when you used to sit with me at the desk for eight hour shifts last summer??
38) Come back and we can do that again :o)
39) Eight hours went by so fast, sighh
40) I visited Lesley last week
41) She is a married woman now
42) Feels kinda strange but I guess we are growing up
43) We watched Oprah and some medical mysteries show on discovery health channel for hours
44) Angeliki graduated and left Chicago :o(
45) Feels weird when I am in the dorms and she is not around
46) People leave
47) Oh well
48) I'm going to read my book now
49) Call me!
50) Adios

2006-05-22T10:22:00.000-05:00

Hmm...

People change and forget to tell each other. ~Lillian Hellman